Change

So this year started off sucking in a big way, my position was eliminated. And it was the best thing that could have happened.

You see I had been fairly bored and frustrated for the last 3 years. I have been in start-ups before, even started a few of my own. But never had I been in a situation where discussion of issues was so taboo. We could see the problems staring in our faces but to discuss and try to solve them meant you were on the outside. Yes, drink the cool aide, but keep your eyes open and recognize when it is time for a pivot.

I had presented a few pivots, and was often told that we would do those once our finances improved, but without a pivot the finances stood no chance. Classic catch-22. And I was so vested in my customers, and the relationships I had built, that I couldn't bring myself to make a whole heart-ed effort to leave.

The choice was made for me.

I panicked, but was confident. Thousands of resumes tossed out to the hiring bodies. Lots of calls to people who might be in need of my skills. I took on a few projects, then the call came.

Dad is sick, not sure what but we are visiting the doctor on Friday, will call you after. My parents are older, and you expect some illness. I did not worry, figured it was a bug from traveling. Small price to pay for enjoying the fruits of your labor in retirement.

A few days later I heard that the test results were not back yet, and that dad was still in pretty severe discomfort. Well wait to see what the doctor says.

Next I get a call that they are going to see an Oncologist, holy shit what is happening. Now he is checked into the hospital. Sure I am unemployed, but this is my dad. I jumped into the truck and drove from Texas to Ohio. Straight to the hospital.

Got to the hospital, went into the room, my dad didn't look good. Watched him dwindle. Had a few good discussions where old hurts were hashed out and forgiven. The doctors had a few good ideas that gave some hope.

I often would record the sessions with the doctors, so that I could review them later, looking for information. The doctor set up an appointment with us, make sure you are all there. She came in and let us know that they would be discharging as there was nothing more they could do. I still have the recording, un-listened. I don't want to hear my mom, dad, sister, and brother in law cry.

We made arrangements, and took him home. He sat in his chair, and answered Jeopardy questions. My wife and kids came up to join us. Everybody came in. In the morning, the hospice nurse was there, giving him meds to ease the discomfort. He was not talking, but was making noises like fitful sleep. Occasionally you could make out a word, and occasionally he gave a presentation from his working days.

My daughters came in and sang for him, Blackbird. It was hard. The funeral home people came over, and we were talking to them. While this was happening my kids were in the room with my dad. All of a sudden my eldest comes running out and says we need to get in there.

My dad passed away surrounded by family who loved him unconditionally. He found peace. Just way too damn early. He was too young. He was playing golf a few weeks earlier and had driven from Florida to Ohio. He was healthy. We were not ready.

I put everything off and stayed for a month to be sure my mom was OK. Drove back home and thought about what was real.

I enjoy the writing, and it would pay the bills. Lets focus on that and take a few side jobs as a consultant. I cant afford to let my time with my kids dwindle. I must focus on my family.

I stopped worrying about tomorrow and began focusing on today.  I spent more time with the kids. I stopped wanting that dream job, as it was not my dream. My wife got a job. we are OK financially, and we are strong spiritually.  we spend allot of time giving to the church, boy scouts, girl scouts, and other organizations to support those in out community.

Here I am, I have a wonderful family, a gig that allows me to express myself creatively, and opportunities to help others.

I just wish my dad could see it.